Things That Adam Writes

This week, Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s self-styled ‘Dear Leader’, held a parade in the country’s capital Pyongyang to celebrate the 65th anniversary of the founding of the ruling North Korean Worker’s Party. He took the opportunity to show off his son, Kim Jong-un, the man widely expected to be the next leader, to the world’s media.

I think he’s got that dictator-y look down to a tee. He just needs to get a good few torturing sessions under his belt to get those eyes looking nice and dead and he’ll be all set to run the world’s nuttiest country!

This weekend I went to the Apple Store which, for me, is almost as exciting as going to a free strip bar that encourages touching and groping. While there, I opened up Photo Booth (an application that lets you take pictures through the webcam) to leave my mark on one of the sexy iMacs, only to find someone else had gotten there before me by snapping an Andy Warhol-style Pop Art picture of their startlingly hairy penis. Suffice to say, my iBoner didn’t stick around much longer.

Honestly, the most hilarious video I’ve seen for ages. It’s a montage of dating agency tapes from the 1980s where a bunch of funny-haired and often mustachioed losers try to sell themselves to desperate women through the medium of video.

Highlights include a quite clearly gay fashion designer, Fred the bespectacled Viking virgin and Monroe the Cleveland Browns fan with his “incredibly blue eyes.”

I’ve just witnessed a girl who looks startlingly like a cross-eyed pig in drag, make one of those wistful, not-really-aimed-at-anyone statuses about how she’s too good for pretty much every man on Earth. I’m half-tempted to shatter her delusions of attractiveness by telling her that it’s been scientifically proven that 100% of men would rather stick their penises into a sausage-making machine than her cooch, but I’m in too good a mood.

Fans of monkey news have been sorely underserved by the media in recent months, what with all the so-called “serious stories” hogging the airwaves and column inches, but that all changed today when I read on the Telegraph’s website that monkeys have been drafted in to guard the athletes’ village at the 2010 Commonwealth Games in Delhi from rogue animals.

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QWOP is a South African athlete whose low IQ technically qualifies him as a retard. Despite this, he has been allowed to race in the Olympics but he needs YOUR help. Because he’s retarded, you’re going to have to make his legs work and make him run. If you only play one physics-based flash game about a retarded runner today, make it this one.

Click here to play QWOP.

My newest Super Awesome Internet Thing Of The Week is this live webcam of the crossing outside the Abbey Road Studios in London, made famous by the Beatles who featured it on the cover of their 1969 LP Abbey Road. 

So now you can watch morons recreate that famous pose whenever you want, much to the annoyance of the local taxi cab drivers. If you’re lucky, you might even see an awesome car crash!